Under My Favorite Cork Tree

When all you can say is "If only"

2011-12-01T10:57:00.001-08:00

This has been a hell of a half year. I'm ready to see the backside of 2011.

I lost my job on Monday. I don't really know what to do. It sort of came out of nowhere, and I was totally unprepared. I've discovered how good I am at landing on my feet, but I'm not happy. I feel like all the things that were tying me to Boston are gone, for real. The first half of the year, I had my first real salaried job, I was in my first real relationship, I had an apartment I really liked. Now, I'm single, unemployed, and broke. I wonder if this is my sign that I should go home to Kansas. I really do. I've been waiting to feel like it's the right time, and maybe that's now. Because this really ain't great.

I'm also a little obsessed with the idea of alternate realities. Like, what would have happened if I hadn't quit my job at NPSF? Yeah, I was treated like a mindless peon and I did nothing all day, but I was well payed and they loved me there. What would have happened if that rock hadn't hit Kevin's car? What would have happened if we'd chosen different roommates? I wish I could peak into that alternate reality, where I'm still at NPSF, probably with a promotion, probably in my second year of dating Kevin. Who knows?

So I'm at a point where I'm looking at grad schools, temp work, and probably about to look at jobs in KS. I think maybe I'm being pushed back, and I don't want to ignore signs when they're right in front of me. Maybe I'm meant to go back, work for a year and save an assload of money, and then go to grad school somewhere else in the country. Maybe here. I want to keep my options open, but my present is a bit bleak. I need to look forward and figure out where I want to be. I hate being 25.

With the devil on your back

2011-11-20T17:05:00.000-08:00

Quick quick super quick update time:

-he's out of of my life for good, for now
-I've been... moving on
-my work has been insane lately
-I may have to start looking for a new job
-I've gone through some less than happiness with the roomies
-I'm tired all the time
-I can't wait for the holiday
-I'ma take my sister to the drag show

Hand in unloveable hand

2011-10-02T10:07:00.000-07:00

Views from 25:

I actually had a pretty great weekend. Every now and then, I think "This would be better if Kevin were here." Then I think, but it's so much fun now, focus on what it is and not what it could be. And it works! Things have been a lot of fun. I went out drinking on Friday night, got ridiculously drunk, was hungover and ordered in food on Saturday, and then hit a theme park in New Hampshire with a few friends. We were there for over five hours; we rode rides, played Skee Ball, ate fried dough (New England's version of funnel cake), went into all the haunted houses, and spiked a souvenir glass of Pepsi. Then we came home and watched Halloween H20. This morning I made pumpkin muffins. It's nice and chilly out. A little bit damp, but I know when I head to the grocery store I'll wear a sweater and it'll be great.

I don't know what I'm looking for in life right now. I have a good apartment I'm working on furnishing, I have roommates who I consider friends, I have a small crew of friends I can count on, I have a good job that I enjoy and feel good at. I'm alone right now, but maybe that's not a bad thing. I'm figuring myself out, and life is going well, even at 25.

Gonna love you as you are

2011-09-05T17:54:00.000-07:00

This has been a long week.

I had a pretty fantastic weekend. I'm still thinking about Kevin, but not as much. Which is good. I have new roommates who I am so stoked about. I really like them, and they're cool, and we've already gone out together.

I've developed some new habits that are good for me. I do yoga and a few sit ups and push ups every night. I'm reading about some kinds of mysticism and spirituality that don't really conflict with my own beliefs, but sort of expand them. I've been trying to meditate almost every day, if only for a few minutes, and I'm reading stuff about how to do it better. I've started establishing myself in a more adult way in my apartment, and I feel like I'm reflecting who I am in my surroundings. I'm more vocal at work, and more confident in my abilities to do my job.

I feel like I've definitely been taking this split as well as I can, and using it as a catalyst to make change in my life. I'm still not convinced it was the right thing to do; in fact, I'm still pretty sure we're not meant to be separated. But at the same time, I'm making the separation work for me, and making myself a better person from it.

I've definitely been working on my relationships in Boston and Kansas, also. I had a long conversation with a friend from college who I hadn't talked to in probably about a year, and it was clear how strong our connection to each other still is. I hung out with a bunch of different people this weekend, and I know that I'm not as alone as I often feel. It's still a work in progress; today, I just sat around the house and read, and I felt pretty lonely. But one day of three isn't so bad. I can handle that ratio.

On my track to recovery I'm moving along nicely. I'm still just not even in the neighborhood of being ready to date anyone else over a month later. But that's the least important thing, I think, in the big picture. If I can be happy and focus on other things and feel a connection to people, that's what really matters.

We could have had it all

2011-08-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

(excuse the super gross title...)

it's been many days. weeks. i'm a lot better. i'm not well, but i'm better. i knew i would be. i fluctuate quite a bit. i have good days and bad. i've been trying to keep myself occupied, and i've succeeded to a degree.

my two roommates who i don't care for too much are moving out for good next week, and getting most of their stuff out today. i had to cancel my plans to the cape for this weekend because of the hurricane (i miss tornadoes), so i've been kinda bumming around. but it's been nice. now i officially have no plans, so i'm eating annie's bunny grahams and watching kill bill on a curb rescued tv. this time next week, i'll have two new roommates. i'm pretty excited about that.

i've found a really excellent friend in my roommate tabitha. she's been super supportive and great. i also realized a couple of people here really care, and are here when i need them. yay for that. it's easy to feel isolated in this city, so it's nice to see i'm not as alone as i sometimes feel.

i'm anxious to get my apartment settled, and to have a day off next week. le sigh. someday, i'll stop thinking about this all the time. i'm ready for that day.

Hold on, world, world, hold on, It's gonna be alright

2011-08-11T15:10:00.000-07:00

I recently stopped being in an 8+ month relationship, by far the longest I've ever had.

I am really having a lot of trouble getting over it. Granted, it's only been a little over a week. But I feel like I'm mourning a death. I think I'm going through mild depression. I can't stop thinking about it, and I'm constantly trying not to cry. Even in the middle of work, the back of my mind is throbbing with loss.

There's definitely more to it than "I lost a boyfriend*!" My life has fundamentally changed. I don't have a very strong support system these days, especially not in Boston. With one foul swoop, I lost the person I would call after a bad day, the person who knew all of my roommates and which ones suck, the one who would help me make a decision or talk me down out of a crisis. Little things, too, have changed. I now come home after work every day. I realized I didn't buy enough groceries last weekend because I'd been used to eating out or at his place three times a week or so. It's a big adjustment.

This has not happened in a vacuum, either. I've been showing my apartment every day this week. My terrible roommate has been particularly terrible lately. I'm about to lose my back-up at work, so next week I'm on my own for the first time since I started. That employee is also definitely the person I'm closest to in the office. Then there's the addition of a broken heart.

I'm looking for things to help me. I feel like I'm not even myself. I've never been one to wallow, and right now, I'm swimming in pain. I can't get past it. I'm looking into herbal anti-depressants, meditation, yoga, whatever may help. Because I can't continue like this, feeling physically wrong. I feel disconnected from other people; I feel lightheaded and floaty. I definitely need to make a change, but there's a hurricane around me. I don't know where to look for cover.

More than anything, I want to document this. For myself, for the future, when everything is going okay, or when this happens again. Everything will work out, despite how much I'm just barely keeping above water right now. Everything will work out. Everything will work out. I'll be fine.

2011-08-09T17:01:00.000-07:00

i am struggling. a lot.
this is really hard. maybe the hardest thing i've dealt with so far.
i feel stupid about it. my life is good.
but this... it came out of nowhere and i feel crushed. damaged. i can't even think about anything else, no matter what i'm doing. i feel empty.

so!

good things in my life:
-my kittie
-my one roommate who's staying
-my well-paying and meaningful job
-my newly arranged room
-impending fall
-a family who loves me
-a handful of friends
-my health and intelligence
-my kitchen full of food
-memories

i'm trying to pull myself through. but damn... ain't love a bitch.

2011-08-03T08:04:00.000-07:00

Lost plans:
-watching Dick Van Dyke
-watching A Very Long Engagement
-Fleet Foxes, Pixies, Chromeo
-camping in Western Mass
-office outing
-roadtrip to Kansas
-Charles River Cruise with my mom
-Ducksbury beach
-trip to the Cape
-lots of New York visits
-Laura Palmer

With my high heels on

2011-07-14T07:37:00.000-07:00

Today is my ideal weather.

It's currently 10:39 am and 70 degrees. It's supposed to peak at 75 this afternoon before getting down to 59 tonight.

Today is a slooooow work day. My supervisor is out. I've been at this job just over a week now. I like it, a LOT better than my old job, anyway. I'm still kind of learning the ropes, and it's such a small office, I feel like an outsider. But I'm optimistic.

There's sun out but it's not hot, it's cool out but I don't need a jacket. I love this. I need to live somewhere where the weather stays between 55 and 80 degrees always. Except when I want to go to the beach.

This is a slow work day. Le sigh.

The moment has come

2011-06-23T09:50:00.000-07:00

Current: incredibly bored at my job. trying to fill the day so i don't kill myself/others. it's cold in here. the weather outside has been massively unpleasant, foggy and misty without actually raining. it's humid as balls. i'm looking for two new roommates, and have posted a craigslist ad. i've only gotten a few e-mails, but i have a feeling this might be kind of arduous. blech.

Near future: tonight, i'm going to dinner with kevin and some friends and some friends of friends. then we're going to see florence + the machine at an outdoor venue in downtown boston. i hate this rain. this weekend, i'm driving to western mass with kevin for a wedding of his friends. it might be fun. ugho.

Future: i'm going to kansas on july 1st and coming back on the 5th. i'll be seeing college friends and family; we're having a 90th birthday party for my great aunt. on july 6th, i start a new job, one where i should have to use my brain a little bit. i'm looking forward to it. that night, my dad, step-mom, little sister, and possibly little brother land for a short trip to boston. they're here until the 10th.

i wanna be at home with my kitty drinking coffee/tea eating soup. I'm that cold in my effing office. only a little over a week now. i can do it.

That's the way love goes

2011-06-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

Katie came to visit last week. We had a Pride-themed visit.

Wednesday: Katie landed. We ate near my office building and went to Club Cafe for the Pride Idol Finals/RuPaul's Drag Race Tour with Kevin. It was hot and sweaty, but we managed to get right next to the stage.

Thursday: Katie and I went to dinner at Fajitas and Ritas and then went to Jacque's Cabaret, where I had my 24th birthday party. It was mostly empty and there were only four queens that performed, but it was a lot of fun. When we got home, we watched TV and drank with my roommate Tabitha and a few of her friends until I basically fell asleep.

Friday: Katie, Kevin, four other friends and I met for dinner and then saw Hedwig and the Angry Inch performed live at a tiny bar. It was super awesome; the band was incredible.

Saturday: Katie, Kevin and I went to the Boston Pride Parade right next to the State House, like Katie and I did last year (only this year, Kevin stole my thunder a little bit as a cute, effusive boy). That night, Katie and I watched Hedwig the movie with my roommate Emi and her boyfriend, Sam.

Sunday: Katie and I watched two episodes of Drag Race lying in bed with Minkus before grabbing lunch and getting her off to the airport.

A part of me is sad that I can't be drag queen, but I suppose it's for the best. There were men we saw this past week who were easily in their 60s and still in heels and make-up. I just hope that when I'm older, I'll still be doing whatever it is that makes me happy, even if it's sort of ridiculous.

(Sidenote: the emcee at Jacque's was coveting my sweater soooo much. We chatted with her after the show about where I got it and the McQueen exhibit at the Met. I feel so cultured.)

Katie, Kevin and I in the lower right corner. Raja is performing, this year's winner of Drag Race/Kevin's new crush. He's giving her a dollar here, and the grin on his face can be seen from space.

So here we are

2011-06-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

List of thoughts:

-my first birthday spent in Boston, Marjorie sent me a present. And not like, a gift, but a package. It had a skeleton wallet and a homemade card and a bunch of fake tattoos. I'd also recently realized that I'd left my journal in Kansas, and she sent me a brand new Moleskine, which has been my Boston journal ever since.

-Kevin wants to open a coffeeshop in Western Mass someday, and we talk about it. When he owns it, I'll work there as a barista/baker/gardener. We'll keep chickens and have a goat named Laura Palmer.

-Andrea wrote a blog about mix cds, and I wrote a thingy about mixtapes. Music is best when mixed and shared.

-I watched a video on Tumblr of a beautiful fat woman playing "Bring Me A Higher Love" and blowing bubbles

-Summer is hot. I'm happy and sad about that.

Even after three times

2011-05-24T18:59:00.000-07:00

Things about me right this second that seem grown up:
-I'm in DC
-I'm in a huge hotel/convention center
-I'm typing on my laptop
-I'm here on the company dime
-I just had a tour of the space and was given my responsibilities for tomorrow

Things about me right now that negate that:
-I'm in my underwear
-I'm blaring the new Lady Gaga album
-I just finished eating a Three Musketeers and I have a beer propped against my knee

You know that it would be untrue

2011-05-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm off in the morning for my very first business trip.
My organization is having its national conference this week, and it's being immediately preceded by board meetings. I'm looking at a really long, really exhausting, really unpleasant week, I think.

I'm being put up in a nice hotel in DC. However, our days will start around 6 and end around 10. They'll be no escape from work for a solid week. Gross. Luckily, I'm ending the conference by staying in DC for a few days and hanging with my friend Rachel who lives there. It'll be fun. I'm just not looking forward to the next five days.

I'm sitting in my room now, having been trying to get ready all weekend. Now I'm just listening to the radio, under a blanket, and reading/surfing the web while the last of my laundry dries. I feel so grown up. But I'm not. My room is still adorned with concert posters and tchotchkies, a cat rug on the floor. I have incense burning and I'm reading a YAL novel.

I'm going to start actively looking for new work when I get home, I think. I had a phone interview Friday for a new position. We'll see what happens. Grown ups probably work at the same organization for more than a few months at a time. Gotta avoid that.

See you after the trip!

Tumble out of bed

2011-05-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

To work, home again.

(Harvard Square T Station; bridge over the river; port in the river; Boston Children's Museum across the river; South Boston sign upon crossing the river; vase and flowers on my desk; accoutrements on my desk; Boston skyline on the opposite walk; the ceiling of the entrance of South Station I use)

Now I am older

2011-05-10T11:25:00.000-07:00

A Written Snapshot of my Desk at Work:

Papers
A photobooth strip of Katie and I from last summer
A printed photo of me and my three siblings from Christmas
The metal butterfly made out of bike chain and washers Kevin got me in West Virginia
An Indian bangle given to me free from a shopkeeper in Providence
A pot of vanilla lip balm Alice gave me that she bought in Yellowstone
A Kansas postcard of sunflowers my mom sent me in my Easter box
Kleenex
Tape, glue stick, rubber bands, letter openers, pen cup
"Received" stamp for mail
Reference sheet for Membership calls
Conference phone
Bright yellow post-its
Paper clips
A box of personal business cards and a box of business cards with cab numbers on them
A bottle of A Midsummer Night's Cream hand lotion from Trader Joe's
Green pens
A stapler
A Beatles mug
A desklamp
A stack of NPSF folders
Hand sanitizer

...guh, grown-up.

You're bundled up now

2011-05-04T12:10:00.000-07:00

My new favorite thing is a very old favorite thing:

I used to collect these suckers in the 4th/5th/6th grade region. I had a necklace, and a bunch that came with lids that were meant to be strung. I would wear that thing and switch up flavors like nobody's business. I always wanted the weird flavors, so the holiday specials were my fave (like Sugar Plum Fairy).

A few weeks ago, on a whim, I bought a watermelon Lip Smacker at the grocery store just for funsies. Not only does the lip gloss itself totally take me back, the sort of artificial-chemically watermelonish flavor is reminiscent of my youth. My sister and I looooooved watermelon. We fought over watermelon Jolly Ranchers and would get the 25 cent watermelon Laffy Taffy at the pool snack bar in the summer. That stuff even came with chalky candy seeds on top, thus making it the best flavor (with strawberry, covered in sprinkles, second best). We'd also buy Reese's, which they kept in the freezer, and cans of Dr. Pepper. We would wrap up in our towels and sit on the uncomfortable picnic tables with whatever friends we had with us, chatting and eating as much as we could buy with the amount of money we had managed to steal from our mom's change-filled glass milk bottle. Quarters were coveted; dimes and nickels would do in a pinch. If you had to use pennies, it was better to skip the snack bar. Straight up embarrassing. Once I found a dollar floating in the pool. It was one of the most exciting days; I bought candy with it, and the snack bar attendant put it against a notebook propped in front of an electric fan to dry it out.

I'm so ready for summer. And frozen Reese's.

Some bands just suck

2011-04-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

You're a proselytizing prophylactic mess/and the girl you love is circumspect/with her bloodshot eyes and her tearstained dress

not lyrics. you're a douche-y mcdoucherson band. you're not edgy, no matter how many plastic framed glasses you have between you.

i'm in a bugggggggggy mood. i wanna go home and lay in bed and read game of thrones all night. but i have to work tomorrow and i don't like it.

i'm gonna take more pictures. mostly of myself. a face and a body shot per day, maybe? it's good to know yourself.

i wish i had a smaller camera i could keep on me always.

snap, i was gonna go to the gym after work but i forgot a shirt. oh, well. maybe yoga at home.

i want to install a whole wall of plastic flowers in my room. does that sound awful or awesome?

Find a few cul de sacs of my own

2011-04-25T13:06:00.000-07:00

I've seen a lot of concerts in my day, particularly considering I grew up in a town where few concerts played. I tried to make a vaguely chronological list, and here's what I came up with:

Bob Dylan- KC
Weird Al- Wichita
"" - Manhattan
Destiny's Child- Manhattan
Sugarcult- Manhattan
Sondre Lerche- Lawrence
Bob Dylan- Manhattan
The Shins- Lawrence
David Bowie- KC
Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson- Wichita
Robert Earl Keene- Wichita
Ben Kweller- K-State
Ben Folds and Rufus Wainwright- KC
White Ghost Shivers- Emporia
Ha Ha Tonka*- Emporia
The Shins- Lawrence
Peter Tork- Manhattan
Sondre Lerche- Omaha
The Swell Season- Lawrence
Jenny Lewis- Lawrence
Grand Funk Railroad- Junction City
The Turtles, Zombies, Badfinger, Iron Butterfly, Mountain- Wichita
Alkaline Trio- KC
Mountain Goats- Boston
Freezepop- Boston
Magnetic Fields- Boston
Broken Bells- Boston
Eddie Money- Boston
The Gaslight Anthem- Boston
Broken Bells, Neon Trees, Ra Ra Riot- Boston
Peaches- Boston
My Brightest Diamond- Connecticut
Elephant 6 Orchestra (peeps from the Gerbils, Neutral Milk Hotel, Elf Power, the Music Tapes, Olivia Tremor Control, etc)- Easthampton
Neko Case- Boston
Black Angels- Boston
The Go! Team- Boston
Neutral Uke Hotel- Boston

Upcoming shows include:
Fleet Foxes
Florence + the Machine
Sondre Lerche

Woot!
I have done a really good job since being in Boston, but Kevino has a lot to do with that. His list would probably laugh hysterically at mine.

(Kevin and I love each other. What?)

Since you came along

2011-04-22T07:24:00.000-07:00

Hot damn do I have a crush on these shoes.

It's Earth Day! And almost the weekend! Time for frolicing... maybe an alcoholic frolic, comme college.

We only just met, but I'm ready to go steady

2011-04-19T12:59:00.000-07:00

Every now and then, pretty inexplicably, I get really nostalgic for Kansas. I'll miss the trees, the open space, driving around Manhattan with the windows down blaring a new mixtape. I'm so far away, and sometimes I feel it physically.

I'm generally happy. Yes.

But I miss my girls. Badly. I have basically no girl friends these days. Aside from my roommates, who barely count (just because we never hang out outside of the house and I barely even see them anymore).

I'm so sad right now. Weird.

I'm kind of a loner, I guess. I like my alone time. But I also like people, I like to be social. I'm generally pretty friendly, I think, and I have almost always had a pretty solid group of friends to rely on. I even stayed in freakish touch with Katie the first year or so I was here. But now even that is kind of on the fritz. We haven't talked on the phone in ages, we barely text. I haven't talked to Marjorie in months, or Danica. It'd be so nice to be close to them, to join them on their karaoke nights and know all the same people.

I'm also in a weird age space, where I feel both too old and too young. I don't know what spaces I'll feel comfortable in. I love getting out and doing things but all I can think is that surely there's more. There must be.

Strangers are easy to like

2011-04-15T07:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight: The Go! Team at the Paradise
Tomorrow: Red Sox game
Sunday: Rain/Say Yes to the Dress
Monday: No work, so Labrynth/Dark Crystal double feature at the Brattle

I really really like my apartment most days.
Why?
Last night, Kevin came over. Tab and Emilio were there with a pack of Coronas. Tab's other friend, Ed, came over. Amy came down. We all played Smash Brothers and drank beers and passed around controllers because there were too many of us. In a perfect world, we would have been eating cookies (we were when we jammed out Tuesday).

I stopped by the Goodwill on my way home, also, and bought a kickin' Red Sox shirt for the game, a Soviet Union hammer and sickle shirt, and a Life is Good shirt for Kevin. Plus a pair of earrings and two necklaces. I'm weak!

I have a hot date with some palak paneer for lunch and I am PUMPED.

A kick in the teeth is good for some

2011-04-13T08:48:00.001-07:00

I want to use this more. And I'll try to cut back on certain stuff in the hopes that more people can read. Meep.

I did this at the end of junior year of college, so I think it's time to do it again!

What I was doing ten years ago: Mmm, 2001. I was in the last semester of eighth grade. I was wearing a lot of black. I hated my algebra class. I missed my friends- oddly enough, many of the same friends I miss now (Gordon and Scott, I'm looking at you).

What I was doing five years ago: 2006. Spring semester of freshman year of college. Seems too long ago. I guess I was still scraping by, living with Molly and Steve in Emporia. Freshman year was hard, but not awful. Spent all my time with Amelia, Cassie, and Barbara. Lots of driving around in my Accent. Shit, what a good car.

One year ago: AmeriCorps'ing at the Y in Woburn. Hating every second of it. Living with Tosha and Erika in Medford. That was also not the best. At this point, I was dating Colin (WHOA. That was a year ago. Holy shit) and feeling very happy about that, but searching unsuccessfully for a job/new AmeriCorps assignment.

Yesterday: Went to work, had a very long/slow day. Met up with Kevin at my place; he brought falafel and curly fries. We watched Monday's Drag Race and then played MarioKart with Tab and Amy, followed by a game of MarioParty. 20 minutes of Buffy and a few peanut butter cookies before bed.

Five snacks I enjoy: crackers, ice cream, slices of cheese, TJ's fig bars, hummus

Five things I would do if I had a $100 million: 1)Pay off college 2) Give money to family, get rid of mom's debt 3) Travel 4) Save for future 5) Donate (this is staying exactly the same as it was before. Glad to know my priorities are the same)

Five places I would run away to: 1) Mexico! 2) France 3) Maine 4) Montreal 5) New Zealand

Five TV shows I like: 1) Buffy 2) Futurama 3) RuPaul's Drag Race 4) Scrubs 5) Sex and the City

Five things I hate doing: 1) Getting up early 2) Going to work 3) Dishes 4) Being Sick 5) Feeling Stupid

Five biggest joys of the moment: 1) Springtime 2) Kittie 3) Kevin 4) Tumblr 5)Red Sox game on Saturday

Sweeter than heaven, hotter than hell

2011-04-10T16:50:00.001-07:00

what a phenomenal weekend.

friday:
-met kevin in harvard square
-went to the grocery store and bought fixings
-went to his apartment, ate veggie burgers and potato salad and drank homemade sangria
-watched Buffy

saturday:
-went home, took a bath
-walked to ball square and sat in the sun on a bench
-had brunch with kevin and his sister
-went to her apartment and watched the first episode of "true blood"
-grabbed my stuff at my place, and kevin and i drove to bedford
-checked into a hotel room
-took a bath together
-got dressed up
-went to a fancy tapas dinner, had prosecco and creme brulee for dessert
-browsed nordstrom
-went back to hotel room, smoked, drank cider, watched buffy

sunday:
-ordered room service breakfast
-laid in a king size bed and ate and watched rom coms on tv
-checked out, took stuff home
-walked with kevin to davis and took the train to chinatown
-wandered and browsed, went to a chinese grocery store and had bubble tea
-walked through the common and went through a greek festival
-went home, grabbed bags, went to trader joe's for groceries
-came back home as it started to rain

i like this boy. i like this town. i like this life. all is well.

2011-04-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

i like writing with no capitalization these days. holler.

i find myself really inspired to embrace my hippie. remember high school? we were all hippies. big ones. we braided flowers and grew our hair long and read poetry at bonfires. where did that go?

over the past few weeks i've discovered how much i kinda hate wearing pants. i'm more like lady gaga than i thought. i basically go at least four days a week in skirts/dresses, and have made it a goal to buy more. i think i need to weed some stuff out of my closet. spring cleaning! i just feel so much less constricted, cuter, freer. i also have been wearing patchouli oil for the past several months, using whole foods brand lavender shampoo/conditioner and trader joe's peppermint body wash. i find myself wanting to paint flowers and play outside. it's a revival, i suppose.

yet at the same time, i can feel myself changing. i've been with the same guy for about four and a half months. with a few dinners and one kissing exception, it's been only him. and i'm so happy. we're still not official, which is largely my doing. but i can feel myself wanting that commitment, wanting to be able to say "this is my boyfriend, kevin." it's weird. i know it. i'm getting old.

in less than six months, i'll be 25. twenty-five. holy hell. i've done well for myself by twenty-five. i don't have a thrilling job, but i have a job. with a salary. in boston. i live on my own and take care of myself and have friends and a guy and it's all fun. 25 is just... sort of looming and scary and big. i'll get through it. but it's a little terrifying.

i dunno. 25 year olds can still paint flowers and play dress up in their own closets, right? right.

Applause, I'm hearing it

2011-03-18T11:32:00.000-07:00

So my mom found this picture of me.

I think it's from sophomore year of college, but it could be freshman. Just late freshman.

I'm wearing my black/white/grey plaid wool skirt, a tourquoise polo, and the brown toggle cardigan Erika sent me for my birthday. I'm standing in my livingroom at the house in Manhattan, bent over the orange TCI chair. Minkus is facing away from the camera toward me, and I'm puckered up, right in his face, looking like I'm about to kiss him. I'm also holding a fall colored umbrella, open, over me.

I don't know the circumstances of it at all, but I really, really dig it. I'm such a weirdo.

(BTW, Kev and I are fine. Good, even. People are strange, when you're a stranger.)

You know, the more we talk about it.

2011-03-09T06:42:00.001-08:00

Aaaaaand, just like that, it's soured.

Last night, after an awesome evening, we started talking about religion. It got very late. We were frustrating each other. He said maybe he should leave. He said he didn't think it could work with these basic worldview disparities. I broke down. He took it back. Now things are awkward.

I'm vulnerable, and my gut instinct is to build a wall to keep him out so that I'm not anymore. But I feel like that could play against me.

Shit. Why is stuff so complicated?

Stay up and play with me

2011-03-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

The best thing to happen to me in a long time:

"Hey loveliness. Thinking of you, and wishing you an amazing start to the week! I hope you have plenty of interesting work to keep you busy."

How did I get so lucky?!

2011-02-21T18:50:00.000-08:00

Music sounds a lot better while high.

Hehe. High school me would be scandalized.

I like (most of) my roommates.

Kevin is in Florida for four days. That feels like a lot. It seems like I have a relationship on my hands. Egads.

Mmmmmm everything is so fuzzy with happy right now. I'm buzzing. Mm. Yummy.

Because it’s not love (but it’s still a feeling)

2011-02-17T07:00:00.000-08:00

Monday was Valentine’s day.

Sunday I was on a plane, headed back to Boston after a very brief trip home to visit my mom, who is still shaken by the death of my cousin a couple of weeks ago. I landed just after midnight, and my sinus trouble gave me a lovely gift: an ear that wouldn’t pop. My hearing muffled, I went outside and jumped into Kevin’s waiting car.

I woke up Monday morning with a still cloudy ear. I checked online to see tips, and they were all over the board: sinus spray! wax softener! ear candles! doctor’s office! plug your nose and blow! I didn’t know where to start. Overwhelmed, I spent the day at work with muffled hearing and a relentlessly dripping nose, unsure of how to solve either problem.

But! I was wearing a cute vintage dress I'd rescued from my closet at home. I had on bright fuchsia tights, mother of pearl earrings, and I felt foxy. It was in the mid-forties when I walked home from work.

Then my boy du jour came over, bearing a single mum in an empty Twisted Tea bottle for me. We went to the little Indian place up the street from my house and grabbed some take-out; while waiting, we ran into one of my roommates, who had the same idea. We chatted about an upcoming Florence + the Machine concert, and then headed home. The three of us watched the IBM computer on Jeopardy while we ate, chatting and being generally nerdy. Then Kevin and I escaped to my room for some alone time... hehe.

Around nine we left again, jumped into his car and drove to the Brattle Theatre in Harvard Square. We found good parking, picked up our pre-ordered tickets, bought a couple of plastic cups of wine and headed in for a screening of Casablanca, which I'd never seen before. During the movie, my ear was bothering me, but through a lot of experimenting, I finally got it to pop, and could hear clear as a bell.

When it was over, we went back to my apartment for an absolutely delightful romp in the sack. Then we curled up together and went to sleep for the 5 hours before my alarm went off for work.

It was just... so fun. It doesn't really matter that it was Valentine's Day... but it was. And I got to spend time doing fun things with a fun guy, and we also hung out with my awesome roommate. My life just seems sort of swell right now, even when it starts out with a clogged ear.

Le sigh. Maybe I should be concerned with complacency, but instead, I'm just enjoying the moment. Because it's kind of amazing from here.

2011-01-23T14:03:00.000-08:00

I'm worried about complacency.

I'm so happy. Or I have been. Everything's been going so well. I like my job, I'm making good money, I like my room and my house and my housemates. I'm seeing a guy I really like with no commitment or expectation attached.

Something has to go wrong. I'm going to fuck this up. No way everything can be so good at once. I'm already starting to push him away, I can feel it. And yet I'm paralyzed by the fear of losing him, of him calling one day the way RT and Colin did and just ending it with no explanation. Better to end it on my terms? No. I don't want to end it at all.

Granted, this is all too good for me. The salary is too high, the roommates too cool, the guy just overall too smart/fun/funny/kind good for me. I don't deserve all this. It'll all crack and topple over.

But I don't wanna ruin it.

Eek.

I saw you driving downtown with a girl I know...

2011-01-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on my floorbed right now from a very different place than the last time I blogged. In many ways.

Physically-
I'm in my new apartment. I'm in Somerville, where I now live. I live with three girl roommates, who are all my age and sort of artsy. Our place is the second and third floor of a house. We have, collectively, two cats and a dog. My room is probably twice the size of my last room, I have a parking spot in the drive, and I'm close to all the cool parts of the city. I pay the same in rent. I love this side of the river.

Economically-
I started a new job on Wednesday. They fast tracked me; I sent in my resume on a Monday, got an e-mail Friday, had a phone interview the following Monday, a face-to-face Tuesday, and two hours later got the job offer. I have a salary, health benefits, paid holidays, and lots of room for growth. I'm working as Administrative Assistant, which means I'm doing everything. It's a smaller office, a much smaller staff of about 15, but the same vibe. The organization is the National Patient Safety Foundation, a non-profit just across the river into South Boston. It's right off the red line, which I also now live off of. I'm so pumped about it. The people seem nice, the company seems good. I got really lucky.

Romantically-
I'm still having fun with Kevin, my ex coworker. We spent over 48 hours together over New Year's, and through today, I've seen him every day since I got back to Boston Monday. He's just fun, we complement each other well. Now that I'm settled a little I'll likely start dating other people again, and I think he's gonna work on casually dating some, too. But we really enjoy each other's company, both in the sack and for activities. It's fucking fantastic to have someone like that around, and I'm just having a ball with him.

Mentally-
I really feel like things are starting to work out. I have a good apartment with roommates I'm really looking forward to getting to know. I have a partner for all kinds of things, someone I can call on to hang and watch movies or to go to a show or to fool around with. I have a job I feel like I'll enjoy at a place that will fulfill me and a salary that will more than sustain me. I'm so glad I didn't go back to Kansas. This is working out sublimely well. It's always taken me a year to get into something, and sure enough, I feel like this, sophomore year, is already insanely better than last year.

Bring on 2011. I think I'm gonna kick it's mofuckin' ass, yo.

Have you forgotten how put down we are?

2010-12-16T17:59:00.000-08:00

Two steps forward, three steps back.

!I easily found an apartment with seemingly awesome roommates.
-Then I lost my food stamp benefits without warning
!My dad bought me a plane ticket home for Christmas
-Then I found out I don't get the job where I've been temping
!I had just enough to take care of my student loan and move-in to the new place
-Then my roommates left me a note for a whole lump of bills that I owe they neglected to mention

I just... hate job hunting. It's a bad time of year for temping, but I'm still trying. I'm applying left and right, and have something of a benefactor for many activities. But it's just crappy. Especially because everyone knows the job should have been mine. EVERYONE. Even the president and CEO told me I'd be sorely missed. Guh. I hate things.

Oh, and I've been sleeping with my 30 year old divorced coworker. Soon to be ex coworker. It's just fun. It's a lot of fun. And I can use fun right now.

I was lost then, and I'm lost now

2010-12-02T07:09:00.000-08:00

Remind me to write about my secret-almost-illicit office romance thing I have going on. I keep meaning to. And then forgetting.

Life is good right now. But I have some writin' up to do.

This is a filler.

Enjoy Spuffy.

Please! Please, don't insist

2010-11-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

Things you don't want your first/only love to text you:

"I am so crazy into this girl. She's warm and surprising and weird and awesome.I'm in one of those situations where you gotta watch what you say lest you come on too strong too fast."

Part of me wants to go for a run.

Part of me wants to buy cloves and fake smoke angrily in my room.

Part of me wants to go to bed at 8:15 at night.

I'm just stunnin' with my love

2010-11-10T12:51:00.000-08:00

So. Test was negative.

Phew.

But, there's almost $40 down the drain for the cost of dinner the night I went to Malden and the prophylactic antibiotic.

Eh. This is done. For now.

This is what I get for dating a guy whose last name is Hore. I should have seen it coming.

It's too much, too much for me

2010-10-14T15:19:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to my lil' iPod, Wolfgang, who seemed down and spit out these songs, in this order, today on the T ride home:

Then it seemed to cheer itself up with a little Ted Leo:

(BTW: since my last post, I officially ended it with Dan, found out I didn't get that super awesome job, hosted my mahm and sistar for five days, and discovered dogs don't go well in cities.)

They're cutting down trees

2010-10-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

So my birthday wasn't a huge disaster.

It was only Tosha, Jackie, my roommates and I. But the show was awesome. We managed to get a table. Erik, my roommate, was the only straight guy there and got a lot of attention. I got to go onstage, and the emcees said I had "jiggly titties."

But then I got super wasted. Threw up at the bar, at home, and the next morning. Couldn't get out of bed. Ended up with a terrible head cold I'm still not over. I hate being sick. My room is a disaster. I feel like crap.

I always want my mom when I'm sick, and so it sucks being so far from her.

I'm also missing Colin a lot right now. We've been chatting on gchat quite a bit, and I just... miss him. I wish he were still around to hang out with, and hold, and sleepover. Dan is such a paltry replacement, who also just ignores me most of the time. And when I saw him last he said he could probably see me this week. And now he just doesn't respond when I message him.

This is why I miss Colin. I miss someone to love. Who loved me.

Ugh. I also hate being sick, and it's cold and wet outside, and I'm listening to Joni Mitchell, which is a bad idea when already melancholy. I just need to get over everything. I just don't know how.

I never understood at all

2010-09-25T15:40:00.000-07:00

See, here's the thing:

It's only fun to wander around by yourself for so long. Sitting alone at the bar, going to events alone, shopping alone, going to bed early alone. It can be nice. Neat. But it's not fun, not for long. Then you want company. Human contact. Someone to talk to, to bond with, to share the experience.

Most of my "friends" here haven't been great at hanging out with me. Some of them live far away, so I understand... some just seem to suck.

I'm not a loner, not really. I can do things alone, and I enjoy many activities alone. But I need people, I need to know that I'm not really alone, or I start to get emo and lonely and depressed.

I hope someone shows up for my birthday. I don't think it's too much to ask. And it's a hard time, celebrating 1500 miles from people who would do anything for your birthday at the drop of a hat.

I'm wavering.

You wish you'd gone to school in the UK

2010-09-16T17:28:00.000-07:00

So, seriously, this is what I've been listening to a lot lately:

(Because I apparently live in 1999.)

(I don't know why the video is from Spirited Away. But what a great movie.)

(It's tinny and the video is backwards, but you get the idea.)

I had an interview this morning. It went pretty well, I think. I have plans to get drinks tomorrow after work with the other temps. It's cold and rainy and I've been watching RuPaul's Drag Race and going to bed early and getting up earlier. All is well at the moment.

It's awfully dark and quiet

2010-09-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

It's weird, my emotions for Fall.

I saw a guy wearing a shirt with pumpkins on it, an ironic indie kid shirt no doubt that he wears year round. But my heart swelled with happiness. Fall is soup and scarves and orange leaves and cool winds and chai and boots and hats and sitting outside and sweaters and harvest festivals and little Halloween trinkets and all my favorite colors. It seriously just makes me nostalgic and happy to think of Fall.

I've settled here, quite a bit. It's working. I spend most of my time in my room, but I don't feel unwelcome elsewhere. I'm spending a lot of time wandering, too. I can walk to anything I need. I walked to the grocery store. I walked to get a trim. I walked to the train to go to the library. It's nice. My car isn't even nearby.

I hope I can make something happen for my birthday. I have a second interview scheduled for Thursday morning. I both want to be offered the job and I don't. I went to this kitschy hipster bar a couple of blocks away last night, and I was so homesick. I'm not even sure why. I think that if I don't have work already lined up for after December, I'll move home. I'm giving myself lots of time here. If any long term job appears before then... I gotta be smart. And part of me wants to go home. So I'd be happy, or at least okay, with whatever happens. And I don't feel forced, like I would have if I'd moved home the first.

I'm just gonna drink in Fall, and make a list of everything I still need to do around here and start checking things off. My time is limited.

2010-09-07T16:11:00.001-07:00

I live in Boston.

I started a three month guaranteed temp job at the Massachusetts Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association as a secretary. I'll be getting up at 6 am five days a week.

I unloaded what I believe was a smidge too much crazy on Dan. I'll be vaguely surprised if we ever go on another "date."

I was right. He's been seeing a number of other people over the course of our seeing each other.

I'm sunburned as hell. I'm also exhausted.

I would like for something in this to be certain. Just one little thing would be nice.

Don't lose that number

2010-08-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

Okay!

Lots of items:

-I have an apartment! I only have to stay two months, and then it's month to month, so if I don't get a job (knock on wood) I'll only have one month's rent to pay on my own. It's in Back Bay/the South End, in a frickin' brownstone. I walked by it today, and Prudential is literally right behind it. Apparently the John Hancock building is visible from my bedroom window (I haven't been inside it yet). It's off the Orange/Green lines, which kinda sucks, but the two jobs I'm hoping to hear from are off those two lines. So yay for not being homeless!

-I'll be living with Erik, who worked for Deb, who was my candidate on the campaign, and his girlfriend. He's in law school, probably 25 or 26, and pretty fun. It should be an okay way to live for a while. He thinks they're both leaving Boston in January, so if it sucks, at least it's not for long.

-There was drama, however, in that we apparently have to do the final walk-through of our place either at noon or 4 on the 31st, which includes handing over our keys. Because I have, and need, to work, that really complicated things, particularly with having somewhere to store my stuff and the cat. But I called in the cavalry, and will be storing stuff in Nahant at Gaylynne's this weekend, Minkus will have a couple of sleepovers at Cammie's new place (which is less than a mile from my new place), and I'll crash at Pete's that one night. Good thing I have a couple of friends.

-I interviewed this morning for a job as Grassroots Organizer in Public Policy for Planned Parenthood League of Massachusetts. I got yelled at by protesters on the way in... mean old ladies. I have a second interview for a great underling position for Ethos and the Boston Money Management Program next Friday. Both jobs are salaried in the 30s with benefits including healthcare, and would be long term and AWESOME. I would be thrilled with either one. As is... I'm still temping regularly. I really think finding steady work will ultimately determine where I end up.

-I'm trying to figure out the Dan situation, and whether I want to try to keep seeing him now that I'm moving farther away or what. I can't decide if I want to see if he's interested in making it official, or at least exclusive, or if I wanna just keep occasionally making my way to his place for nookie. Or ending it altogether; the fact that he lived a mile away was really nice. Now it'll be a 40 minute commute to him, which is only 10 minutes more than a walk from my current house to his. But the train will complicate things. I'm not sure if he even likes me. He's so swamped with work, he barely has time to hang and it's rarely in public. I still think he may be seeing someone else. I just feel like a month after meeting, I want to know where I stand, and it may be alone.

-I'm exhausted, and excited that this time next week, I won't have to worry about moving or anything for at least a couple of months.

Phew.

Let's get lost, you can take me home

2010-08-19T17:25:00.000-07:00

This is bullshit:

Colin- I wennt to Fajitas and Ritas and shared a liter of Rita with Morgan. I'm dizzy drunk.
Colin- Now on to karaoke.
Me- I'm so jealous!
Colin- I mean to say that Morgan and I had a great time with yoi yesterday. I think you dating someone else is good for the friendship...
Colin- ...we prolly shoulda stuck with in the first place.
Me- Really? You regret it?
Colin- I think we coulkda had even better times as friends and no awkwardness and pain.
Me- ...so that's a yes then.
Colin- I'm too drunk to diissemble. I think we could had a great friendship, and I clearly wasn't ready for a relationship, so yeah.
Me- ...I feel like that's a terrible thing to say. Feel.
Colin- You're right, that was probably a terribly tactless thing to say that sounded like a good idea ar the tome. Sorry.
Me- Well... Thanks? I can't really... forgive you just now. That really really hurt.

I still don't know what I'll be doing in a week and a half now. I had two good interviews yesterday, so here's hoping something pans out.

Tonight, I sat in my room reading the new Lady Gaga cover article, eating rolls and drinking chocolate milk. Now I'm gonna go finish the last season of Buffy (sad). Look forward to my "date" with Dan tomorrow night. And generally pretend that Colin doesn't suck ass.

Can you hear that?

2010-08-14T12:11:00.000-07:00

...it's the sound of me making a really fucking stupid move last night.

Today, Kansas sounds good.

I've convinced myself the boy is seeing someone else. This bothers me. Why? Not sure. I guess I'm at a point where I don't want that. Plus, so much is unsure in my life right now, I need something/one constant. I can't be questioning everything.

I'm ready to pack up today, y'all.

I am so fickle.

I'm going to do what I've always said: live day to day. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow?

I think, uh, no, I mean, ah yes...

2010-08-13T18:07:00.000-07:00

The easiest thing in the world would be for me to go back to Kansas in two weeks. I could pack up my car and my cat, move in with my mom, have friends waiting for me, and just coast. It would be so easy.

I am trying desperately to stay in Boston.

Let me backtrack:

At some point, I started freaking out. I only have a handful of friends in Boston, but the two best ones (technically, even the best three) are staying here next year. I can't pretend the fact that I'm casually seeing someone doesn't make me want to stay some. I did tell him last night that I could be moving back to Kansas. I wanted him to be upset, and he wasn't, and just said that he'd kind of figured. But, at the same time, I don't want to have to cut things short. I went to New York, and it made me realize how much I fucking love Boston. When I moved here, with nothing waiting for me, I didn't freak at all. I was ready. I came. And now, I'm flipping shit.

So I decided to thrash about.

I applied for a bunch more jobs. And then waited. I don't have any money saved. Because I thought I'd be going home, I only bothered to keep as much as it would cost me in gas to get there. That's not enough to stay anywhere for very long. I don't know anyone around here well enough to crash, at least not for more than a night. I also have a cat to think about.

I heard back from a temp agency. I wrote them back, had a meeting, and got a call the next day about a temp job doing data entry. I took it, immediately. It pays $12.50 an hour, so an 8 hour day gets me a hundred dollars. So far, I've done two and half days. I'm going back on Sunday for a few hours, and then Monday, and as long as they'll have me. I'm hoping I can make enough to at least pay to stay in a room somewhere for a month and keep looking for something more steady.

I have an interview Wednesday morning for a really amazing volunteer outreach position with a non-profit that would be perfect for me. Salaried, with benefits. If I were to get that, I'd be made.

BUT.

I'm not getting my hopes up.

I submitted a resume to Goodwill. Applied to CVS. Wrote into a cupcake place that needs help. Am still applying for admin work. Right now, ANYTHING steady will make me feel better. I can find a room with roommates and keep looking for something more permanent.

All I know for sure is this: I'm not ready to come back.

I'm terrified that if I come back now, I'll never leave. I was so ready to come here... now I'm really unprepared to go back. It just freaks me out.

My mom even told me to stop planning and just wait to see what happens. She never says shit like that.

I started packing up my room. Packing up my stuff to move...?

Who knew I'd wind up here? I should have planned better. I shouldn't have taken the campaign job. Or I shouldn't have quit.

But here we are.

This will make a great story when I'm older.

10 years of friendship. 11 months as roommates.

2010-08-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

1 Post-It note:

"We're busting this joint. Sell the shit out of everything in my room. Or toss it. See you at Thanksgiving, yo."

Also:
I find it really hot that the one in the dark suit is the guy I'm currently seeing/sleeping with. Mmmhmm.

A good old fashioned nightmare

2010-08-08T09:47:00.000-07:00

Three weeks.

Three weeks, and I'll likely be back in KS.

I'm clinging to the hope of a job, but I'm also sort of resigned myself to going back.

Thinking about it puts a weight on my chest. I get short of breath. Going back... back to Manhattan. Back to a place when I can't order in Indian food. Or walk to Harvard Square to take myself on a date of falafel and a double feature at the Brattle. Or meander past Fenway. Or jump on the train. Or have a pastry shop, or at the least a Dunkin, on every block. Or get good pizza. Or have an abundance of comic book shops. Or revel in non-rhotic speech.

But then...
I will be somewhere safe. Somewhere I'm loved. A place where I can relax. A place where I can take a deep breath, and lay on my back and look at the stars, and not worry that I look out of place, and not worry about not being able to get home, and not worry about having someone to hang out with. A place to recharge.

I really don't think I can live in Kansas right now. Not after living somewhere else. I'm already working on an application for the GSLIS at Simmons in Boston. For Spring. I really do love it here.

...I wish I could stay. But I'm looking forward to leaving. Oh, what fickle creatures we are.

Sorry we cooked loudly...

2010-08-06T09:47:00.000-07:00

I did some cleaning today, the first day post-strep that I sort of feel like a human. I washed the mountainous pile of dishes, completely cleaned out and refilled Minkus's box, and picked up all the extraneous crap in my room. I started cleaning (borderline packing) some stuff, and came across a ton of stuff I'd been sent since I've been here. Letters, cards, little gifts. And then I found a post-it I'd forgotten about. I'd guess that it's probably from around December, but I could be wrong. It was one Erika had stuck on my door one night that she and Ryan were up late making food in the kitchen, which is right off my room. It says:

"Sorry we cooked loudly. I'd fall apart without you. Truf. <3-E"

What happened? We used to be friends. Even when we first moved here. Ugh. *redacted*

I'm ready for something else. Anything. Something. I kind of like this guy here, but... Kansas may be for the best. I can keep seeing him, but not much anyway because he's starting a new job that is something like 80 hours a week. And unless between now and August 31st I find a good paying, full time job and apartment, I'm out. So... it hurts to think about. To think about going back to KS, leaving what I have here, what little it is. But I think it might be best. I gotta do what seems right. Boston will always be here.

A Wonderful thing to have

2010-08-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

After effects of approximately 45 hours in New York, pt. 2:
-strep throat
-loss of an additional $110 on exam/prescription
-harsh reminder of how broken the American health care system is
-lovely reminder of how awesome my mom is
-great increase in amount of tv on DVD watched over the next couple of days

I'ma couch so hard...

Today's Adventure in Post-Graduate Life

2010-08-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

When AmeriCorps ended, so did our insurance. So, I currently am one of the uninsured millions in America.

This wouldn't be a problem generally. But when I woke up today to an even sorer throat that now feels like it's growing, I knew I had a problem.

This feels like strep. I've had it before; this is what it feels like. The next few days should be spent with me sitting on my butt, subsisting on a liquid diet and popping anti-biotics. However... how does one get anti-biotics without health insurance? Without a doctor? Without a lot of money?

So, added to my previous to-do list today is finding a cheap place to diagnose/prescribe me so that I don't feel like my throat had a flaming tennis ball shoved down it.

Oh, the glamourous life.

I hit the town

2010-08-02T21:41:00.001-07:00

After effects of visiting New York for approximately 45 hours:
-blister
-aching joints (knees, ankles, hips)
-sore back
-sore tailbone from sitting on the bus
-wretchedly sore throat
-loss of roughly $125
-sadness at realization that the same food can't be found here
-renewed love for Boston

I had a good weekend. But, as I am wont to do, I missed my cat.

This is the view from the aforementioned balcony. Seriously. It was a good trip.

2010-07-30T21:07:00.001-07:00

It's my fault. I want to know. But what I know is this:

You are a heinous bitch. Bigger person be damned. I'm finished.

New York, here I come.

Sidebar:
Free plays in the park with wine/orange cream soda are super fun.
Running into the guy you took home the night you had vodka for dinner not so fun.
Fresh figs are delicious (who knew?).

A baby is watching a dog who's watching chickens spin

2010-07-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

I love this song:

Every now and then, when it comes on my iPod when I'm out walking around, I feel really overwhelmed. I remember listening to it once during the fall on ESU campus, and almost crying everything just seemed so beautiful.

I love this scene in Amelie, where she guides the blind man across the street and describes everything she sees. He's so happy when she lets him go, just looking up. I can't imagine what would be running through his head at that moment, after hearing about a world he's only been able to roughly imagine painted so vividly.

This came on when I was walking home this morning, swinging my Goodwill bag in one hand, sipping an iced coffee from Dunks in the other. Life is good, mostly.

I got me some Seagram's gin...

2010-07-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

Day one of unemployment:

Get up at 10:30. Play on the internet.
Eat a grilled cheese. Watch 2 episodes of Buffy.
Go to the pool. Lay out and read a book.
Go to Old Navy. Buy a dress.
Talk to Wolfenstein on the phone.
Get home, watch Buffy, eat a PB and J.
Take a nap.
Take a shower.
Watch an episode of Buffy.
Go listen to jazz. Drink three drinks, pay for one.
Have a giant piece of pizza with the jazz band behind me.
See a rat on the train platform.
Go home, go to sleep.

Upcoming plans:
See Inception.
Have a picnic in the Common before watching a free play.
Take the bus to New York to see Scott.
Finish Buffy.
Read a lot.
Sleep in.

This could suit me just fine.

2010-07-26T17:16:00.000-07:00

I've very much secured my place in hell, taking advantage of a bad situation.

But the good news is, I've quit my job. My last day will be either tomorrow or Wednesday.

The bad news is that the roomie has been deliberately avoiding me. I don't even know why. I feel like the times we hung out at the beginning of the "summer" things were actually good. Now I find out she's been trying on purpose to be gone when I'm home. I don't know. *redacted*

Le sigh.

I'm probably going to Kansas when my lease is up. I need a year to recoup and be away from:
-stressful jobs
-*redacted*
-lost sleep due to spanking
-smoking neighbors
-friendlessness
-utter poverty

Mostly the first two. *redacted*

I'm ready to be done with work. One less than to worry about.

What I need right here and now

2010-07-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

This job has been an epic clusterfuck of fuckiness.

I hope to be done with it as soon as feasibly possible.

I'd go into more detail... and maybe I will.

Or maybe I'll save it for my autobiography. It'll make a riveting chapter, I tell you.

2010-07-09T04:56:00.001-07:00

Cat is back.

Hopefully now I'll stop being Mayor of Mopesville.

Fingers crossed!

In your brown eyes

2010-07-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard right now?

I was so excited to start this job... it still has potential.

But the two nights I've been home after work, I'm just miserable. I sit and try to talk myself out of packing up my car and going home. Or sleeping on the porch in case my cat wanders home in the middle of the night and doesn't know for sure if he's in the right place.

The apartment just feels so empty without him. I wander into each room, expecting him to be sprawled on the kitchen floor or upside down on my bed. But he's not. He's just fucking gone.

It's so hot. I'm dehydrated and feel like I'll never be cool. I wake up in the morning covered in sweat. I frantically run outside, and there's no cat, and I can't go back to sleep and forget... I have to drive to Andover. For the next three days straight. Then I'm off Monday, but I have an interview... and then it's back to work Tuesday. I don't have the energy for this, not in this heat, not with my touchstone gone. It's honestly, honestly, like Colin ended it with me all over again. It's like losing a boyfriend (or pseudo boyfriend, as the case may be). It's just awful.

And it's all I can do to not tuck my tail between my legs, give Erika a courtesy wave, and make up some bullshit excuse about something to get me out of work. I can't stay this unhappy. I can't. I used to like coming home. It meant relaxing and laying down and not being with gym rats. Now it's just a reminder how alone I am. I need to be around someone who I can depend on. And I've got nothing within 1500 miles.

UGH EMO POST

2010-07-07T05:36:00.000-07:00

Jesus.

I'm flipping shit.

My cat ran away.

He jumped out the window, which I stupidly left open last night when I stole the fan.

I got up this morning and started looking for him, because I'd been worrying about him being too hot. And I didn't see him, didn't see him, and then... zoom in on the open window. I frantically went out to look for him, and of course didn't find him.

It's dumb, I know, to be so upset about a cat. But goddamnit... That cat has been all I've had for so long. He came with me to Boston. He went with me to Emporia. I got him senior year of high school when I was doing a friend shuffle. I'm not too ashamed to say I cried.

It's possible he'll find his way back, hot and tired and ready to curl up on my bed. But it's also possible he'll get lost. Or hit by a car. Or snagged by someone else.

I'm just...devastated. He's been there for everything for the past 5 years. Almost six. Anyone who says a cat doesn't love you back has never had one. No one seems to have loved me a purely as that dumb cat. I'd get mad at him, and yell, and push him away, and 20 minutes later, when I took of my glasses and clicked off my lamp, in he'd come to my room to snuggle for bed.

GOD. I hope he comes back safely.

White Bread World

2010-07-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

Well this isn't good:

I'm sitting alone and boiling in my bedroom. I'm listening to a countdown of top artists on an oldies station. I'm drinking a beer. This is the fifth day in a row I'm drinking. And if I get drunk (alone... bad), it'll be the fifth day in a row I've gotten drunk.

Oy. Not good.

My hair is trying so hard to curl today.

Our hair is perfect

2010-07-03T18:31:00.001-07:00

Some decisions made!

A)

B)
Kind of neither, but mostly two; I accepted a job as Field Director for a State Senate campaign. I have no experience in this, but they know it, and it'll be experience that can never be taken away. I also set up an interview for the salaried job, which I told the campaign about, and if they offer it to me... well, it includes health insurance.

C)
TBD. If I get a salaried job, I'll move in alone. If I keep the campaign job, I'll move in Ames', at least through the election. Then I'll figure out what to do from there.

D)
Gordon, no. Therefore, I went, but it was very much friendly. And I'd be fine with seeing him again, but as buddies. He's a gamer, so maybe I can have some nerdy friends up here. Finally. Someone to play MarioKart with.

E)
Also TBD. But I'm feeling a little better about things now.

She has one magic trick

2010-06-29T18:14:00.000-07:00

Decisions!

Basically no one comments here, and it's fine that you all are a mystery to me, readers, but if anyone has any input... I'll consider it.

Decision A)

-upon the end of service, Friday, do I:
-->cut my hair off short a la Freshmen year
-->continue to let it grow to 10 inches as planned
?

Decision B)
-upon the end of service, Friday, do I:
-->take up the reigns of the full time canvassing job I start at Monday for the whole summer
-->pursue other more steady work, things with a salary (like the one I asked for 32,000 from who want to interview me)
?

Decision C)
-upon the termination of my lease, August 31st, do I:
-->pack up Agnes and head back to Kansas, hoping to have/find a job there
-->pack up Agnes and move in with Lauren Ames' roommates in Somerville
-->pack up Agnes and move into a one bedroom closer to Boston (contingent on having the money/job to afford this)
?

Decision D)
-tomorrow after work, do I:
-->go to my coffee date looking to make a friend
-->go to my coffee date looking for a boyfriend
-->ditch my coffee date
?

Decision E)
WHAT DO I DO WITH MY LIFE?

Dear readers:

2010-06-26T19:30:00.001-07:00

I'm sex positive.

I think it's fun. If you want to have it, you should. With whomever you want. Another person, several people, yourself. It's good for you. I'm happy for people who have healthy, satisfying sex lives.

That said...

I think I'll always hate having to hear other people have sex.

I think it's rude to have sex when you know other people can hear you.

I think it'll always make me uncomfortable and angry and... ugh.

I will never find it amusing to hear someone get spanked, or to sit in my room with music playing while I hear a bed thump up against a wall. I will always feel small, and disregarded, and insignificant, and sort of want to cry.

I don't know why. It does seem like kind of a contradiction. But it's all truth.

Now, leave me to my showtunes, musicals, Lady Gaga videos, cat, and books.

And you go downtown

2010-06-24T08:42:00.000-07:00

There's a recipe on the back of cans of Goya chickpeas for what they call "Chickpea Salad." I love it so much... I just want to buy the ingredients over and over and eat only that all summer. It's not sophisticated. It's just:

-1 can chickpeas
-1 medium cucumber
-1 red pepper
-1 smallish onion (I prefer yellow)
-3 tablespoons olive oil
-1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
-salt, pepper, garlic powder to taste

SO GOOD. It's cold, it's all veggies so it makes my tummy happy, it's filling, it's not too unhealthy. I've been doing a really bad job of eating lately. I just don't do it, or I don't do it well, or I don't do it as much as before. Like, my lunch has been consisting of crackers and carrots/cauliflower. That doesn't seem like real food to me. Yesterday I had a kiwi, then realized I was hungry at a coffee shop and so had a blondie. That's it. That was my whole dinner.

It's weird to think that in less than two weeks I'll have no job. Unless something pans out. I can just sit on my ass all the livelong day. Until I run out of money.

Speaking of which...I called in to work today because there was a good day of tennis. Less than two weeks left, and I'm calling in. WTFever. I'm done.

Every day I pray to get out of here

2010-06-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm a gay man. And I love it.

I have on my computer soundtracks to:
Rent
Chess
Wicked
Little Shop of Horrors
Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I also own soundtracks to:
Jesus Christ Superstar (both film and Broadway)
Rocky Horror Picture Show

Also on my computer:
Everything Lady Gaga has recorded, and two acoustic songs
Justin Timberlake
The Magnetic Fields
A spattering of Cher
Peaches

Also:
I miss Kansas. Or, at least, the people still there. My little brother is a fun age. Somehow, Gordon and I have been friends for over 10 years now and we still have fun together. I forgot that Sam and I used to be really close (yay for bonding over alcohol). Marjorie should just be my damn sister already. Not to mention all my college buddies, both the ones I got to see and the ones I didn't. I wanna be roommates with Katie. I hadn't seen Rachel in a year and I couldn't believe how much I missed her. Kate and I are somehow sort of closer now than when I lived there. Carly will always have a part of my past. Danica is the goddamn funniest person ever. It was a bittersweet trip.

Also:
I texted Colin to see if he was free for coffee. His response: Yeah, we should hang out soon, because I'm gonna move to New Jersey pretty soon for the rest of the summer.
Goddamn. If I hadn't texted him, would he have told me?
This summer will be the first time we're both free. And he'll be in a different state. He wants to move before the 4th. Literally as soon as I'm free, he'll be gone. And he may not come back before I leave, depending on what job I get.
Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

What is there for me here? Besides being able to take the T, getting free tickets to salsa concerts,the skyline, walking to Diesel for Thai iced tea, and the Minuteman Library Network. Translation: there are no people here. All the people are in the Midwest. But all the stuff is here.

Goddamn.

Chess: "Where I Want To Be"

How do you think it feels when all you can say is "if only"?

2010-06-16T16:38:00.000-07:00

Songs on heavy rotation:

I'm rull excited to go home, and see my friendsfambly. Even if it's just for a few days, it'll be seriously nice to get out of here for a bit. Look out, Midwest.

2010-06-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

Tosha is leaving for sure at the beginning of July.

Looks like it's possible that Erika might leave early, too.

As exciting as it would be to live alone (god, do I love living alone), I'm a little bugged by this thought.

I'd be left alone to clean out the apartment, to get rid of all the joint furniture. I'd come home to an empty house everyday without the possibility of running into someone I can talk to. And... I don't have anyone that could possibly come occupy the house with me. I don't have Colin. There, I said it. If I did... the idea of both roomies being gone that early would have me super pumped. But without him, it just seems like it'd be terribly lonely. A shitty roommate is better than living alone when nursing some wounds.

Ugh. I don't like this. I just... want him back. But I don't want to want him back. Goddammit.

Melodrama

2010-06-05T05:06:00.001-07:00

It's getting harder, rather than easier.

All I want to do is lay in bed and watch shit. My heart feels more broken today than yesterday, not less. I'm more upset. More ready to cry. More abhorrent of the idea of going to work.

I think I've gone to work for a combined total of about 8 hours over the last two days. Maybe more like nine or ten, but not 16. I've checked out, and I need to power through. Badly.

And I feel the cracks today. This one wasn't just some hairline cracks, this was a shattering and a shoddy glue job. Ugh. I'm such a goddamn girl right now.

Concerts usually cheer me up. It was temporary relief. I need some cake or something, shit!

For dinner and thoughts and woundy things.

2010-06-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

My life is a bad, sad romcom.

Included in my evenings:

-a trip to the comic book store
-fancy dinner at a dimly lit Italian restaurant
-almost tears into my ravioli
-walking in muggy weather not looking each other in the eye
-"I'm gonna say this really fast and don't look at me but I think I may have been in love with you, which is another reason this is really hard."
-"I've been in love a few times, and there have been a few times when I thought I was in love but wasn't, and... I'm pretty sure I was in love with you, and I'm pretty sure that I still am."
-"But the only fault I can find in my ex is that she loved me as much as I loved her, and so she didn't end it when she should have. And I know this isn't working for me, and it won't, so even though I feel this way about you, I thought it'd be better to end it sooner rather than later."
-tears onto a wet sidewalk
-one last kiss
-"You know, it's a weird way of saying it, but I look up to you."
-"Why on Earth would you do that?"
-"I think you're really awesome, and you're going places. You're gonna be someone."

Really, universe? The first guy and this is what I get? I wanna be played by someone cool. This shit is unreal.

Maybe there's nothing up in the sky but air

2010-06-01T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'll never stop loving this song.

Ever.

I think... I had my heart broken? That sounds so dramatic. Get back to me in a couple of months.

So. On Friday I had an interview for placement in Boulder. Tomorrow I have a phone interview for a position in Houston. Thursday I have an in-person interview for a job in Boston. Friday I have a second Boulder phone interview. Maybe at the end of the week I'll know some stuff...? I'm not holding my breath.

2010-05-26T04:49:00.000-07:00

Hypothetical:

Your roommate, who you also consider your friend, tells you that she and the guy she's been seeing ended it, on his request. Five days earlier, she'd told you that she didn't get a job she really wanted and that her great aunt had a heart attack. She tells you about the guy late on Monday night.

It's Tuesday. Do you:
a)text her to see if she's okay
b)get home after work to see how's she's doing
c)plan a night of movie watching to cheer her up
d)get home really late with the guy you're seeing and leave before she wakes up Wednesday

If you chose d... then congrats! You're my "best friend!"

...don't ask me why.

Everything looks worse in black and white

2010-05-24T21:06:00.001-07:00

Things that belong to Colin:
-Kodachrome
-Reese's
-the Red Sox
-Buffy, LOST
-Thai iced tea from Diesel
-Blue Shirt Cafe
-the ICA

Things that belong to RT:
-Hello, It's Me
-comics/graphic novels
-(500) Days of Summer
-Up in the Air
-the MFA

Things that belong to Daniel:
-Crackerbox Palace
-garden centers
-the Brak Show

Things that belong to RR:
-my peach perfume
-whiskey

Things that belong to Japheth:
-Flagpole Sitta
-big white pick-ups
-my polka dot dresses

Things that belong to Lance:
-Okkervil River, Red House Painters, Mountain Goats
-Love as a Mixtape
-Wal-Mart produce sections
-air mattresses
-D3

Things that belong to Sam:
-Elliott Smith
-Millencolin
-American Beauty
-WuTang Clan
-walks around City Park

A past littered with reminders of boys gone to the wayside. Unavoidable, and less painful with time. Ugh.

2010-05-24T13:56:00.001-07:00

I should have known better.

I should have known better.

I should have KNOWN BETTER.

This hurts.

When I was an astronaut I bought a fancy charm

2010-05-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in my empty apartment. Front room. Horrific hot pink tank top, flannel cloud shorts, hair back. Alternating between Buffy and Mad Men on DVD.

As Ben Kweller said: This is how it should be.

(Sha sha. Sha boom.)

Love, Brother Love

2010-05-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

The name of the game is don't get attached.

Don't get attached to a city (Emporia, Manhattan, Boston) because you'll eventually have to move.

Don't get attached to people (boys, best friends, mentors) because they let you down, change their minds, or die.

Don't get attached to stuff (phones, cars, books) because they get broken or stolen or lost.

It's a terrible way to live, but it's safest. Balance safety and happiness, perhaps.

I want to get a drink tonight, but I'm loathe to ask Erika.

Dangerously, these make me really happy. Even though he's goofy looking and vaguely leprechaunesque. Happy.

I'm not tired

2010-05-21T05:02:00.000-07:00

Gracefully falling out of friendship is so easy when you live in separate states.
It's harder when you're roommates. Which means I have to wait a few months to sever myself to a point where I don't have to pretend to give a shit.

I'm not in a great place these days. I'm glad I have Colin, because at the very least, seeing him is an escape. I don't have to think about my terrible roommates, or the fact that I don't have a job, or my complete lack of money, or the fact that the person once considered my "best friend" is just useless to me, or that my hero had a heart attack, or... anything. We can just be silly and tell stupid jokes and exchange trivia and make out. And it's so nice. I can't depend on anyone up here just now, but I know that when I can get Colin to spend some time with me, it'll be fun.

Bugh. I do not want to go to work today.

2010-05-18T14:10:00.000-07:00

Gahdammit universe.

Can't things go as planned, like, ever?

Erika and her fuckin' concern over grad school can eat it. She has plans for the next 6 months. I might be homeless.

Takin' it hard, just like you knew I would

2010-05-14T04:55:00.000-07:00

Cried all night til there was nothing more,
What good am I as a heap on the floor?

I'm being dumbah. And I know it.

Yesterday I was talking to Colin about Lance, and it made me really sad. But the fact of the matter is, Colin is making me sad right now, too. Just because I don't know what the appropriate step is.

And, to top it off, my car didn't start yesterday. I'm crossing my fingerstoeslegseyes that it starts this morning (although I wouldn't mind not going to work), because I'm so stressed about how to pay for car repairs it's not even funny. Theoretically, dad will take care of it, but I don't want to count on that... he's reliably unreliable.

Please don't take him just because you can

2010-05-11T18:14:00.000-07:00

I am having a girly crisis.

I have no one to talk to.

My house is empty save for the cat.

I don't know who to call.

If I have someone to call.

If I can document these dumb ass feelings.

hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate
uncontrollable emotions

I'm gonna miss you when you're gone

2010-05-04T19:18:00.000-07:00

Wednesday afternoon, I worked at a recruitment fair at UMass. Colin met me there, and hung out for about two hours. Then we met up at 5ish. We ate sushi. We went to my house. He stayed the night. Thursday morning, I drove him to Davis.

Thursday afternoon, I interview for a program in Aurora, IL.

I go meet Colin and his friend Morgan in Davis. We walk around, we go have veggie rubens at Morgan's friend's house. Colin walks me home. Around 11, I drive him to Davis.

Saturday, I get off work and drive to Colin's house in Milton. We hang out, walk his dog, go candlepin bowling with a friend of his from high school and his girlfriend. We play air hockey and skee ball, win tickets, buy candy. I stay the night.

Sunday we wake up early. We go back to sleep until one. We walk the dog, watch Buffy, eat Reese's under a ceiling fan. Around five, I drive home.

Monday at one I walk to Porter, where I meet Colin at Qdoba for free internet. We pool our money and buy four scoops of ice cream at Emack and Bolio's. We eat on the patio under the sun, where we sit and watch passerby. We walk to my house, sit on my steps and watch the storm clouds rolling overhead. Around 5:30, I drive him to the T.

I might see him tomorrow.

I'm not even a little bit sick of him.

I mentioned the possibility of me not staying in Boston, and he didn't text me for over three hours (not a lot, but based on the rest of the day). Honestly, the idea of leaving Boston, and him, when I don't have to... just seems silly. It kind of hurts to think about. Why would I leave if I could stay?

Well, because it's always been my plan to bounce around. I didn't want to only live in two places, even though they're two very different places. I wanted to live everywhere. Chicago was next. Or the southwest. Or the northwest. But not another year here. I'm okay with one more year, theoretically, but then I want to move on. And he's lived here his whole life.

We haven't even been "dating" for a month. We're still not officially dating.

I don't know. Relationships muddle things until nothing is transparent. Even non-relationships. Everything is suddenly very opaque. I just need to wait to hear from a program, and then I can start analyzing what I'd be willing to do for a guy I barely know.

I know it's been a while

2010-04-22T13:53:00.001-07:00

+

thunderstorm

=

happy Annabel

Cream tangerine

2010-04-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

I like someone. A lot. Enough that I'm coming on strong and being a girl. This has, literally, never happened to me before. I mean, I've liked people more than this. But never have they liked me back, never have I been the one in a romantic relationship who is eager. NEVER. It's a weird place to be. I know I need to back off, but I suddenly realize where the crazy aggressive/obsessive woman stereotype comes from. Jesus.

I like Boston. I scheduled an interview with a program in Aurora, IL next week. I'm supposed to hear from a program in Boston in the next two weeks or so. Before a month passes, I should know where I'll be next year. Or at least have some options. Right now, the viable ones appear to be 1)Boston 2)Albuquerque 3)Aurora, IL 4) San Francisco in about that order of likelihood. Although I realized while talking about Chicago that I would actually really love to stick to my original plan to go there next. We'll see what happens.

I need to listen to more Broken Bells, as I'm going to their concert in June and need to know the words to their songs. I can do it! I love the shit out of concerts.

I have so much going on. Why can I not stop thinking about this guy?

Today's too great

2010-04-07T17:28:00.001-07:00

So, 75 degrees? Psh.

It was 90 today. Glorious.

I miss senior year. I was driving/riding through downtown Boston today on the way home from our luncheon. There were people and flowers and trees everywhere. Everything's waking up from winter when it's warm. It's truly lovely. And I was slightly overwhelmed, but still not sure about to feel about this wrapping up of my year.

Icarus. What an interesting character. From "Austin to El Paso":

Icarus made some wings and tried to fly up to the sun,
Even though everybody told him that it could not be done.
So he died
But at least he tried
And I bet that he had fun

I'm trying. I'm not dying. I'm having some fun. Who knows where next?!
Summer means sticky skin and watermelons and Ghost Mice. I miss Martin. Oy.

My boobs, in tank tops, look like loaves of bread. Is it necessary to have such large breasts?! I sort of doubt it.

We like boys in cars

2010-04-02T04:51:00.000-07:00

I hate this. I never expected things to end up the way they have with Boston. I thought the point of moving here and living with Erika was to have a built-in friend, so when I wanted to go exploring or hang out or whatever, I'd have her, automatically. A ten-year friend should be good to be there for you. Instead, she ditched me immediately, and I find myself grossly eager for this year to be over so I can get away from her. I never expected it. But that's where we are now.

Anyway.

Yes:

Summer cannot come soon enough. And I feel like this song actually has kind of an indie-rock feel.

Plant grapes

2010-03-29T06:01:00.000-07:00

Okay.

1) I have two friends from back home here again. Well, ish. One friend, one sort of guy who I have mutual friends with. And I'm sick of them. Mostly the one guy, who's been here for like a week already (he was actually just crashing here while going to a conference, but it ended Saturday). I feel bad, but I just want to lay in bed and be lazy, and not entertain, especially not entertain someone who's bugging me. They don't leave until tomorrow, so I have all day ahead of me to entertain them. Buh.

2) I don't know for sure what's going down with Erika right now. It seems that she's picked up on the fact that things have changed, but rather than just accept that, she thinks I don't want to be her friend anymore and is trying hard to make me like her and yet still doing all the same shitty friend stuff. I've just grown up to the point that I don't want friends who treat me like shit anymore. Or, I don't want them all the time. And I don't want to end a ten year friendship, necessarily, but I don't want to go hang out with her and force it. The result? I'm a bitch, I'm being unreasonable, etc etc. And a part of me is still desperate to hang out with her. I guess that's the thing about having a complex about someone. You can't explain it. And it's not rational.

3) I have three months of service left. What? I don't know what I'll be doing next year, and I'm trying not to think about it.

4) Spring time. Please? No more cold rain.

I hate everything. I just want Marjorie and Katie back.

If not for that first 'hello'

2010-03-23T04:43:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite parts of my day is when I get to read people's blogs, and e-mails.
I hate that I love doing this, but I look forward, everyday, to reading people's shit.
Why, exactly, I'm not sure. Usually it's damning, or boring, or infuriating. But I do it anyway.
I seriously, seriously, want a couple of days to just sleep. I don't know when I'll have the time to do it, unfortunately.

Why do I like Kiss so much? I can't figure it out. I should have brought my Kiss mirror and hung it in the livingroom. Roommates be damned (I've officially branded them Dumb Roommate and Rude Roommate. I think it's fitting).

OH. I had coffee with a new guy from OKCupid. I made it explicitly friendship only. We hung out for about five hours, at the coffee shop and walking around after. It was really fun; we have a lot in common, and just kept talking. We also found a mural that started with dinosaurs, which was hells awesome. I'm a little afraid he likes me too much already (texting right after we parted saying sorry for the awkward goodbye, but it was "great to have such an immediate connection with someone."). So, we'll see where this goes. He did lend me a book. Neato.

I think RT have finally gone kaput. He keeps jerking me around emotionally, and thinks I'm doing the same to him, even though I've been really clear about where I stand on everything from the start. Which means it's probably over once I get all the stuff he lent me back to him. And it will take me a while, because he lent me a mountain of comic books and graphic novels, and I have library books to finish first. Damn my work and limited time!

Wow, that was actually a real update when I sure didn't intend for it to be. Oh, well. It's raining again, and it's cold. A big part of me really hopes to get accepted somewhere in California so I can kiss winter goodbye, at least for a year. Amazing.

When you can't feel pain

2010-03-20T14:51:00.000-07:00

Wholly shit.

It's rough having real friends come and then go. I wish I had some real friends here to stay. As is... I have Erika. Not quite fitting the bill.

This week was rough.

Boy = lots o' work. I'm not sure I can do it. I like him, but this shit blows. He needs to man up and deal with what we have, and not try to make it something else. As the great American poet Popeye the Sailor Man once said, "I yam what I yam."

I'm so tired. It's nice, because Erika's gone all weekend (not that that's new, or anything, but I know I won't be woken up in the middle of the night by obnoxiously loud talking/fucking) and Tosha's boyfriend finally left, after having been here for 10 days. I just like my alone time, ya dig?

Sigh. I need more hours in a day. And more effective ways of explaining myself.

2010-03-09T17:35:00.000-08:00

Things that are true:

I'm not the girl you'd write a song about.
I'm not the girl you'd see across a room and seek out.
I'm not the girl you'd want to get to know because of a stolen glimpse.
I'm not the amazing girl who everyone has a crush on, the girls and the boys.
I'm not the girl you remember, the girl you can't forget.

I'm usually that girl's best friend. Which, in my opinion, having been that girl's best friend for over 10 years now, is worse than having no connection to her at all.

Especially when it puts you in a position to know, even when maybe no one else does, that the girl isn't so amazing. When you know, for a fact, that you're smarter. That you are more creative. That you inspire that girl. But no one else does.

And you hang in the shadows and wait for you day in the sun.

Each night before you go to bed, my baby

2010-03-08T20:16:00.000-08:00

I Miss:

~Steady friends I could call for anything

Can't describe how much I miss these people.

New school besties.

Saved me junior year.

Batman to my Robin.

Saved me senior year.

Managed to somehow mean a lot to me.

Had a lot to do with my coming out of my timid high school Annie-shell.

Amazing beautiful girl.

Only modern day crush on file. Best walking buddy a girl could ask for.

~My apartment

Panorama.

Porch singin'.

Jesus Christ! My bedroom...

Hipster party in the livingroom. I even miss the ugly curtains.

~Young Dems/Various club activities

Green Week '09

Rock the Vote '08

War Protest '07

Jamnesty '09

~Following Radio City

Beer:30 Red Room

~Emporia Bars

Town Royal and original Yummy Bartender

~Working at Social Sciences

Oh, Flavin.

Original trio.

It's hard to drop the past, even when you like the present. And I'm not sure how I feel about the present. I don't hate it. But I definitely wax and wane on my feelings.

This is mine, you can't take it

2010-03-07T09:22:00.000-08:00

Last night was fun. There's a bar that has an old school soul dance party on Saturday nights. I went for the second time, but this time I was drunk. Drunkety drunk drunk. I somehow wound up dancing with a black guy for a while. We were dancing like they do at the beginning of Dirty Dancing, all pressed up against each other, mostly hips moving. After about an hour, he asked me to step outside. We went next door and he bought us each a slice of pizza, and he tried to talk to me. I could barely walk straight. As it turned out, he's Haitian, and we spoke to each other in French. But he insisted on giving me his number and told me to text him today, which I knew even then I probably wouldn't do. We made our way back to the dance, and stuck to each other until the bar closed. (Except when I went to the bathroom, where, waiting in line, I met a guy named Shawn from New Mexico who, after telling me Kansas sucks, asked if I knew where to get X. I ended up giving him my dealer's number, and having him urge me to do X.)

When the lights came up, my dance buddy and I made out egregiously on the floor, and he tried to convince me to take a cab with him. Luckily, I was there with people.

What's really funny to me is his name; it's James Bonhomme, which in French, means "Good Man." That's a pretty solid name.

However, after going to be at around 3, I woke up at 7:45 feeling god awful. I'm stuffed up, and I had a headache, and I was having the mother of all cramps. I tried to take pills, but I ended up in the bathroom taking a hot bath at about 8:15. I couldn't really get back to sleep until 10:30 or so, and now that I'm awake, I feel like balls. I can't believe this cold crept back. My stomach is really upset, I don't know if I should eat or not.

I guess this is the price you pay for a rockin' night dancing on the town.

I sink my teeth in

2010-03-04T15:02:00.000-08:00

Current girl crushes:

Mad Men finally got its hooks into me, and I want to be this woman. I want her clothes, I want her breathy voice, I want her full lips, I want her wide hips, I want her sass. Dayum.

Thirteen from House. I just find her so striking. I think it's the eyes. She also just seems so cool, so chill. I wish she weren't quite so skinny, but... what can you do.

The "break up" has somehow evolved into basically what I wanted from the relationship: fun with no real strings. I haven't seen him in over a week, but we're planning to hang next Wednesday and possibly have some kink. This has actually worked out brilliantly.

And, today at work, I got a free coconut coffee and time sped by after that. It was a fairly excellent day, really.

"I understand your emotion...

2010-03-02T19:42:00.000-08:00

but nothing else about your question."

Noam Chomsky FTW.

I remember when I first realized that not everyone supported Israel, and, in fact, there was good reason not to. It blew my mind; school never told me that there were any options other than supporting Israel. I feel like I heard the word Palestine no more than a handful of times. It was a notion that was completely foreign to me.

I wish A People's History of the United States weren't tainted by APUSH. I might read it, anyway.

Along the fields of barley...

2010-02-27T18:42:00.000-08:00

I cracked a little. It was a small crack, but it was there. I could feel the wind sneaking through it, I could feel the ache as it went. Picturing his goofy face so close to mine as we laid in bed, remembering going to Urban Outfitters to find a coat, the awkward arm around my shoulders gag he pulled on our first date. But it only took a few hours, about a day, for the crack to begin to fill. It was a bigger crack than I'd expected... I guess I didn't expect a crack at all. But I certainly didn't break. It was just a small crack, that a day at work, seeing how I didn't feel different not getting a text from him, how I wasn't really upset to not hear from him, started to slowly fill. It's the first crack, or at least, the first in a long while. I don't have many; SP, JA, LS maybe. It was a surprising weakness, but there it was. And now it's disappearing, just like the others.

2010-02-26T20:07:00.000-08:00

Sad. Just a sad day.

I coulda been a sailor

2010-02-26T14:28:00.000-08:00

What a weird day.

Good: went to Wellesley, worked a career fair, got lots o'interest

Bad: got broken up with, and I'm surprisingly upset, got waitlisted for a program Erika got an interview for, got my plans canceled

I'm blue now. I'm seriously bummed. I don't know what I'm doing next year, which sucks, and most of the programs I applied for have stuff I can't do to apply for, or I've been rejected from, or something else shitty. And this guy, I was sort of thinking about ending it, but I'm sad it's over. He was fun, and I liked him, and I'm bummed I may only see him one more time.

I wish I had friends here. Le sigh. At least I'm wearing a cute dress. Maybe I should go slut it up.

2010-02-26T04:27:00.001-08:00

BAHHHHH.

SO ANGRY.

STOP BEING SO SELFISH, GODDAMMIT. THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE THAN YOU. THINK ABOUT THEM SOMETIMES. MOTHERFUCKER.

I'm not myself lately.

You take a nap-a, you don't move to Napa

2010-02-24T14:09:00.000-08:00

Things I love about Sex and the City the show:
-it makes me think of high school; it's like comfort food
-it's one of few shows exclusively from a woman's perspective, telling the story of women, created for women
-it's frank and open about sex, and women having sex, and enjoying and craving sex, and not within the bonds of marriage
-the fashion
-it touches on some real subjects, like STDs, HIV tests, bisexuality, infertility, cohabitation, and not wanting marriage for the sake of marriage
-the women, while flawed, are all independent, live alone, have jobs, and take care of themselves (at the beginning of the series, at least)

*there are a lot of things I don't like about the show, too, like the materialism*

Things I hate about Sex and the City the movie:
-Carrie completely falls apart after Big stands her up. I mean, Jesus. She doesn't eat, she sleeps for days, and just totally loses her shit. She lets a man ruin her life
-overdramatic lines like, "Will I ever laugh again?" "I'm an emotional cutter" "You're not alone," not to mention the scene where Carrie hits Big with the flowers... that music, the drama, Charlotte's crazy eyes
-Jennifer Hudson, while usually awesome, acts SO BADLY in this movie. Plus she's given stupid lines, like "Love is the thing you know" and "My very own Louis Vuitton!" Actually that whole scene just sucks.
-they re-used Samantha's break up speech from when she left Richard for her to break up with Smith
-the music is terrible. All the Fergie, J-Hud, and the dramatic instrumentals are awful
-the fact that Charlotte names her biological daughter Rose. Having multiple daughters named after flowers is dumb, especially when they're generic like Lily and Rose
-Samantha barely has sex at all, and in the one post-coital scene she has she actually says the line "That was really hot." Who says that after sex?! No one.

Thunder only happens when it's raining

2010-02-23T18:06:00.000-08:00

1) I find it really charming and quaint when people introduce themselves with "How do you do? I'm _____." Especially when it's said by an old person with an accent.

2) I had an STD test. I'm afraid. What if I have HIV? Unlikely... but you never know.

3) I think it's very indicative of the state of the American health care system that I waited for about an hour in the basement of a church with about 20 mostly immigrants for free health service.

4) Not completely unangry yet. But getting closer.

5) I can't wait for the wifey to get here. But I might fall apart when she leaves.

This song makes me think of my dad, when he would make us mixtapes with quirky oldies, rather than mix cds with countryish ladies.

Mild... refined...I think I like it.

2010-02-22T18:54:00.001-08:00

Pretty successful day.

I walked around Davis and Porter for almost 4 hours. My legs feel it. I'm out of walking shape. That sucks. I need to fix it. I also need to get my bike fixed.

Good things today:
-weather; sunny and mid40s the whole time I was outside. I can't wait for spring
-right past the rotary, a woman with a baby strapped to her stomach stopped me and asked if her baby was awake or asleep. Right behind her, a woman stopped me and asked for directions to the other side of College, because she was looking for Tufts. It was an adorable couple of exchanges.
-good hair.
-I bought a $12 casual dress that I love so much I'm wearing it right now
-nap on the love seat with Minkus
-two(!) cups of tea, herbal
-laundry while secretly watching a cute nerdy looking guy pet a long haired cat

Bad things today:
-realizing how out of shape I am
-the anger's still there
-I didn't get coffee like I kept meaning to
-I bought my dress with my card when i should have used cash

Overall the pluses far outweigh the minuses. So, I did it! I willed myself into a good day. I win.